The sctuff that makes the ram horny
“Jesus Paddy, what do you call the sctuff you give to the ram to make him horny?”
“I can’t remember the name of it, but I know that it tashtes of mushrooms.”
– As told at dinner this evening by a family friend from the west of Ireland, describing a conversation between two rural farmers. Apparently “the sctuff” is given to rams at the end of the summer so that they’ll be up to the job in the autumn.
What Google thought of 2011
Google have put together this, reducing the entire year’s worth of human experience in 2011, to 2 mins 51 seconds; for entertainment purposes. That said, it’s good though. When I watch this stuff, I feel a lump rising in my throat and it makes me take a perspective check.
2011 was a cracking year for me, softly wrapped up in my Trinity bubble. Notice that Ireland does not feature in this video. Yes indeed, we have been sheltered from world events. Although we like to moan and grumble about Ireland, when compared to a lot of the world, we really live a charmed existence. We live in a safe and stable society; more than can be said for Egypt or Tunisia. If we get sick, we will get treated; something that only the wealthy can afford in the US. If we lose our job, we will receive generous welfare payments. You won’t find that in the US. If we are not at war, law and order prevails; so that puts us above Iraq and the Sudan. Notionally, at least, we have a say in how the country is run and we are guaranteed human and civil rights, which works out for the most part. Our climate is benign; we will never die in a heatwave or a hurricane, nor do we have to worry about earthquakes or tsunamis. Importantly, we will never starve. Put something in the ground here, and it grows; people all over the world would, and have, killed for land like that. With that in mind, replay the google video.
That said, life here isn’t perfect and I’m not suggesting that is it. We will we always find something to moan about. After all, that’s the Irish condition. Problems however, are relative and depend on perspective. Compared to the conditions faced by hundreds of millions of people all over the world in 2011, we really have no idea how lucky we are.
Bord na Móna: Get yourself a flamer
The person who posted this unto YouTube, uploaded it with the rather ambiguous comment of “WRONG!”. I think they might be on to something.
Right, where do we begin. This, apparently, is Bord na Móna’s Christmas ad for 2011. It’s wrong on so many levels; not just because it features a rather implausible gay relationship.
Firstly, the acting is unbelievably hammy. The gestures and facial expressions are so large that they could be discerned from the other side of a bog. Secondly, do we actually believe that the son is a gay? Not a chance. Then there’s the actual implausibility of the two of them pairing up. Look at this photo for example:
Here have “David” who is rather good looking. Chiseled. Looks after himself. And “the son”; who recently came second in a Brian Cowen lookalike competition. What, did David take a fancy to him as he saw him throwing up down the front of his jumper outside of Copper Faced Jacks one night? Hmmmm. Likely.
And then there’s the scarf. The David’s-obviously-a-faggot scarf. IT’S AN AD FOR A HEATING PRODUCT. People should not be seen wearing scarves indoors when they are supposedly advertising your heating product. Frankly, that’s just embarrassing.
Then, the scenario of the spare bed is entirely implausible. There are many households in the country where boyfriends/girlfriends, be they straight or gay, stay in the spare bed when they stay over. The parents know that they are busy banging each other senseless when they are outside of the home, off at college, or living in Dublin. But once they come back home it’s separate beds. It’s the way it works. It’s just an Irish thing.
Then finally, the rather patronizing suggestion that coming out to your parents is “a measure of quality time.” Yeah, because that’s what young people up and down the country look forward to. Not grief, distress, worry, shock and all of the other inherently negative reactions that protective parents react with when their beloved tells them they’re a homosexual in an overtly hostile heteronormative world. No, it’s “quality time”. Just throw on a few briquettes there and it will be fine.
You know what, they’re right. This ad is wrong.
Great minds think alike
Or perhaps fools seldom differ. Probably the latter. Anyway, for Christmas this year, myself, my sister and my brother all got my father The Guard on DVD. Yes indeed, good to see such clear lines of communication between siblings. Anyway, we opened one of them today (the other two will be returned in January sales, or passed on as birthday presents) and sat down to watch it between the main course and dessert today. Experience has taught me that it’s better to leave a break between courses with Christmas dinner. That way you leave room for pudding and trifle. (N.B. pudding means actual Christmas pudding, not the wishy-washy pudding means any-type-of dessert-English-way-of-usage.) I think it’s a masterpiece of a film. I love it from beginning to end; the rest of the family didn’t seem too convince. My brother and sister were perhaps a bit lukewarm in their reception of it. Dad described himself as being “disappointed” and Mam kept falling asleep (although a strong dose of antibiotics might have played a part in that). Still, I reckon it’s a cracker. It’s really dark and subversive, and really shows off the Westsh of Ireland for all its rugged beauty and muted bigotry. Also, the soundtrack is really, really cool and Wendell’s a bit of alright.
Happy Solstice
This is what lucky few gathered at Newgrange this morning hoped to see at 8.58am. Unfortunately for them, there was cloud on the horizon and the weather didn’t perform. I’ve had a similar experience with cloud on the horizon whilst in the chamber at Loughcrew, for the spring equinox. Luckily, however, on that morning, the sun burst through it right at the vital morning, and the 3,000 year old artwork on the side of the chamber was suddenly cast in gold. Amazing stuff.
As the sun performed today, the crowd in Newgrange can try again in the morning or the day afterwards, as the effect is the same for about three days either side of the solstice. Apparently the Earth has had a significant shift on its axis since Newgrange was constructed, so the original alignment is now out of whack. Time ago, the whole burial chamber would have lit up, now it stops two metres short on the tall. (Actually, didn’t they say that the Japanese earthquake this year shifted the earth on its axis?)
But light shows aside, today is still significant. It’s the solstice. The shortest day of the year. This is as bad as it gets. Everything from here on out is an improvement. Now that’s worth celebrating; which is exactly why Christmas happens this week. Looks like those pagans had it right.
My Little Honda 50
It’s great to hear Christy Moore back in the saddle. I heard this on Risin’ Time early one morning last month as I struggled to get up to go to training. It’s a fantastic little ditty about an old motorbike; I especially love the way that Christy places it so firmly in Kildare. I have memories as a child of going to play (well watch other people play) GAA matches at all of the places mentioned. Also, I’m pretty sure that my Grandad used have a Honda 50 and he used give Dad lifts to school on it. However, I think Dad fell off it one day and broke his leg and that put paid to that. From the sounds of it, the whole operation was fairly precarious as Grandad was fifty when dad was born, meaning that by the time Dad had reached his boyhood, Grandad was an old man. I wonder did he ever get it up to a hundred and fifty on a windy day?
I should have it by Friday
I saw this online today and thought it was gas, so took a wild notion and bought it. I should have it by Friday. It being the t-shirt mocking Sean Gallagher, rather than Sean Gallagher as president; which would be a national embarrassment. Still and all, you cannot underestimate the stupidity of the Irish electorate. I’m really not convinced about this democracy craic at all. Honest to God, if the people of Ireland actually vote for this cretin tomorrow, they deserve every ill fortune that could possibly befall them for the duration of his time in office. (Oh I feel like Margaret from Richard III. This cursing business is great craic!)
Anyway, I’ve ordered two t-shirts. One for me, (size L) and one for Michael D (size XXS, c/o Arás an Uachtaráin, Dublin 8).
Dear Inga
The other day I was surprised and delighted to receive an email from Inga, who is a wonderful woman that I met at Bee Camp at Gormanston last year. Like me, Inga is a novice beekeeper (with two hives, possibly three) and she keeps them in Kilkenny, not too far from mine in Carlow. Anyway, the blog has been a bit sparse of late so I decided that I’d treat you to a wee snippet of our beekeepers’ correspondance:
Pinning my colours
As the election looms on 25th of February, we all have to decide who best to elect to try and get us out of this God-awful mess. It’s hard to know who to vote for; when I look at our current crop of politicians, I tend to vary between bouts of wanting to have them all shot, and wanting to have them all publicly guillotined. But I suppose at the end of the day, I must come down on one side and the other… And hanging it will be!
Although I’m not entirely sure of their credentials, I’m going to be voting Labour in the election. I know they won’t be perfect. I know that they will get certain things wrong, and that we will moan and complain and curse them (as we do all politicians), but I genuinely think that they are our best chance for getting us out of this dreadful mess. Or at least if they don’t get us out of it, they might reshuffle the mess a bit so that they poorest in society aren’t lumbered with the cost of paying for it.
Anyway, when it comes to Polling Day, please vote Labour. Give them every preference you can; if we all do that and if we get very, very lucky, we might actually change something about the way this country is run i.e. we, the people, and not big banks and big business, might actually get to run it…
Duly minuted
Last week, I made my maiden speech to the College Historical Society, on the motion This House Would Introduce Gender Quotas in Irish Politics. I really enjoyed the giving the speech; it was really good fun and most people laughed in most of the right places and I felt that I didn’t make a total arse of myself. Granted I did mention the trigger words “pile of ironing” which instanteously sent every rabid lesbian feminist in the room to their feet. However, some choice rebuttal and some mace spray soon sorted them out… I would, at this point, like to clarify and point out that I do my own ironing and have done so for the past six years. (I can even name my brand of iron; it’s a Bosch; so take that, I’m no stranger to the world of laundry.)
So overall, well done. The Auditor described it as “a confident and entertaining maiden speech”; really I don’t think that I can do better than that. Also, speaking alongside Mary O’Rourke TD added a certain “genocide quaw” to the occasion. She’s actually much smaller than you’d imagine in real life, as I actually said to her afterwards, but anyway, I desist.
On Wednesday, the Record Secretary, Kate, read the minutes of the last Ordinary Public Business Meeting. It is my dubious pleasure to be “minuted” i.e. to have merited a mention in the minutes of the Hist; the most august student debating society in the world. Unfortunately I had been at the gym before the meeting, and arrived a few minutes late – to find to my abject horror, that Private Business had actually started early and we were now on Public Business, and that Kate was mid-way through her minutes. I walked into the crowded chamber literally seconds after she had read out the minutes pertaining to moi. I was raging I missed it. I would rather have liked to be in the room when everyone was laughing at my expense. Anyway, I had the good fortune to bump into her this morning and she gave me a rendition of what she had delivered to the House on Wednesday. I was very impressed. Here’s the jist of what she said:
Speaking in Opposition to the motion, Marcus reminded us that a quota would not do the ironing, in a speech that focused on the role of women in husband, hearth and home.* This showed us that Marcus didn’t really get women. But then again, he would be the first to admit that he wasn’t really interested in getting women.
*Granted, it’s not word for word verbatum, but it’s the general jist of what she said, so apologies Madam Record Secretary if you find I have misquoted you.
It’s a language, not a subject.
Today I received an email into my inbox that had been forwarded to me by An Cumann Gaelach. It’s from the Irish Language Officer of USI, addressed to each Cumann Gaelach in the country. I found it so frustrating, that I was compelled to reply, although generally I find the “Delete” button is generally a much more time efficient way of responding to such tommyrot.
In the interests of uniformity of language, I have taken the liberty of translating the offending email and all subsequent correspondence (which was a bilingual mash up) into English:
(N.B. My God! It’s actually worse when translated; I mean it was bad when I read it as Gaeilge, but the cold hard light of an English translation really brings out its puerile reactionary streak. Please remember we’re actually paying this guy’s wages through our USI subscriptions!)
Dear Friends,
I need your help and this is the most important thing that we can do as a group this year.
There is a danger that our Cumann Gaelachs might not be here within the space of one to two years if Fine Gael implement their Leaving Certificate policy.
WE HAVE TO STOP THIS POLICY IMMEDIATELY.
What can we do?
1. 1. Spread the link to this Petition below:
a. on your Facebook pages
through your committees
in an email or newsletter to each member
There are 12,000 people are signing it – we have to add to this now. 1.6 million people in this country speak Irish fluently.
http://www.petitiononline.com/gaeilge/petition.html
2. 2. Contact your local Fine Gael TD and tell tell that you will not vote for them if they continue this policy.
3. 3. Attend the public meeting to take part in this campaign. The first meeting will be held on Friday, 21 January, at 14.00 in the Menlo Park Hotel, Galway.
There will be lots of other meetings after this one and one especially directed at students – I’ll keep you informed. I’ll be starting a Facebook page in teh next couple of days and I’ll be looking for your help with it.
This is only the start – the revolution is coming…
I would be very appreciative of any help you can give
Respectfully yours
Aodhán O Deá
Irish Language Officer
Union of Students in Ireland
So anyway, I decided that I couldn’t let this go, so I shot him back an email:
Aodhán,
1.6 million? Really? No, seriously. That’s more than one in every three people in this country. That’s ridiculous. If that was actually true, an Ghaeilge would be heard throughout the country, and as we both know, it’s not; rationally leading us to conclude that your assertion is clearly rubbish.
If there were that many people speaking Irish in the country, then the method of teaching an Ghaeilge within the Irish school system as stands, would be deemed successful, and Fine Gael would be highly unlikely to suggest tampering with it. However, all of the evidence must lead us to conclude that this clearly is not that case.
If you honestly think that your Cumann Gaelach will disappear “within one or two years” as a result of this policy, you’re deluded. I tried to look up “deluded” but couldn’t find it sa foclóir; however you must admit that sometimes English really does have the right word at the right time in the right place.
Finally, if this is your attitude as regards an Ghaeilge and Fine Gael’s supposed huge danger towards it, maybe it would be better for us all if your type of Cumann did, in fact, cease to exist; not “within one or two years” but preferably sooner. As it is, your attitude doesn’t help anyone
Regards
MJB
P.S. – I am not a member of Fine Gael, nor am I associated with any other party. I do, however, object to reactionary nonsense being disseminated by USI.
And to my surprise, and might I add, dismay, Aodhán replied.
Marcus, dear friend,
Thank you for replying to me with regard to this campaign.
1.6 million people speak Irish fluently in this country, dear friend.
“Almost 1.66 million people aged 3 years and over were able to speak Irish in 2006 compared with 1.57 million in 2002.
Putting this in percentage terms we see there was a slight decline from 42.8 per cent in 2002 to 41.9 per cent in 2006.
Ability to speak Irish was higher among females (45.3%) than males (38.4%).
This information is contained in Census 2006 Volume 9 – Irish Language, which gives further detailed results of the census conducted on 23 April 2006. This report contains the final population figures classified by ability to speak Irish and frequency of speaking it for detailed territorial divisions in the country (see Editor’s note)”
I do believe that making Irish as it currently stands optional for the leaving cert will be an absolute disaster and will ultimately lead to the death of Irish as a spoken language. What 15/16 year old will choose Irish (a 7 and a half hour subject with 2 papers, oral and listening) over something like Geography or other 2-3 hour subjects.
Look at our closest neighbour England- when languages were made optional at GCSE level in 2002 within 6 years ago numbers taking them at fallen to 40%- this was with an equal equivalent exam unlike in Ireland where language experts estimate it will be far lower.
This will ultimately lead to Irish not being prioritised for Junior Cert, being taken off syllabus in some schools (as happened in England) and ultimately less emphasis on the language all around society.
We are calling for Fine Gael to change the way Irish is taught in schools instead of making it optional without any research or information to back this up suggesting it as a good idea. A lot of linguistic experts agree with our attitude., as the Professor David Little, Centre of Language and Communication Studies, Trinity College says: “We could make it optional for Leaving Certificate; and after a few years we might come to think that it should be optional for Junior Certificate too; and after that – well, what’s the point of bothering with compulsory Irish at primary level, if it’s going to be taken only by a tiny minority at second level? If we follow this path, we may well find that by the end of this decade Ireland has sold its linguistic birthright and staked its entire future – cultural, political, economic – on the continuing international dominance of English. On the other hand, we can respond by taking seriously the linguistic challenge of the European project; recognizing that Irish belongs not just to Ireland’s but to Europe’s linguistic heritage; taking note of the empirical fact that the more languages you learn, the easier it becomes; insisting that Ireland’s membership of Europe requires us to make foreign language learning a compulsory part of schooling; and seeking ways of achieving more effective learning outcomes. This kind of response requires political commitment and a coherent national effort leading to a language education policy capable of generating an integrated language curriculum that in turn can facilitate pedagogical reform.” The Cumann Gaelach in Trinity College is one of best Cumann Gaelach in the country. It’s certain that it will not become extinct within one or two years, but some of the other Cumann Gaelachs will.
That email was sent to every Cumann Gaelach in the country (22 in total) and there is the danger that some of them won’t be there within a couple of years if this policy is successful. Some of these Cumanns have only 10 -50 members. I started 8 new Cumanns myself this year and without people coming from schools with Irish it’s certain that the cumann won’t still be alive in a couple of years.
Respectfully yours
Aodhán O Deá
Well, when I read through that, I knew that I’d have to take the big guns out, which is probably a good thing, considering I’ve two very serious debates coming up this week. So here we are; let’s have at it:
Aodhán,
Cumann Gaelach: grúpa duine ag labhairt as Gaeilge faoin a bheith ag labhairt as Gaeilge. – Mairtín O’Siadhail, Gael Linn, Príomhoide Bhaile Bhuirne
I’m sure it has occurred to you that the census return is grossly inaccurate, and that most people will overestimate their abilities. This is not unique to an Ghaeilge; people always overestimate the amount of exercise they do and the time they spend working, while underestimating their calorific and alcoholic intakes. So to base your assertions on something which is so clearly spurious is disingenuous.
I do believe that making Irish as it currently stands optional for the leaving cert will be an absolute disaster and will ultimately lead to the death of Irish as a spoken language. What 15/16 year old will choose Irish (a 7 and a half hour subject with 2 papers, oral and listening) over something like Geography or other 2-3 hour subjects.
Unfortunately you have fallen into same trap that hundreds of thousands of people, since the 1920s have fallen into, just there, by regarding it as a subject. That is the fundamental error which has been made in this country for the last eighty years. Irish was seen as a subject, like Geography or Maths, to be studied, necessary for getting into university or the Civil Service. Big mistake. It’s a language, to be spoken, not studied, and that’s what has the language in the appalling state that it’s in today. It is a fundamental problem, grounded in our perceptions and prejudices.
Look at our closest neighbour England- when languages were made optional at GCSE level in 2002 within 6 years ago numbers taking them at fallen to 40%- this was with an equal equivalent exam unlike in Ireland where language experts estimate it will be far lower.
Once again, the comparison with England is disingenuous. English is the national language of England, and it’s fairly well spoken, in fact one could safely say that it’s thriving. Granted, the Irish speak it better than the English do, but that’s our little revenge. When comparing, you should look at Wales and compare the fate of Welsh and then look back the the miserable performance of an Ghaeilge. And what’s the difference? Tuition? No, attitude.
Also, you must remember that in the English situation, they are talking about foreign languages. An Ghaeilge, however, is not a foreign language, it’s our native one. The only reason it survives is the Gaelic Revival of the 1890s. It is hanging on in there, but purely because of its national identity associations and the grotesque amounts of funding that is pumped into the designated Gaeltacht areas. Also, being able to speak French or German isn’t really an intrinsic part of the psyche of the average Brit. Having the cúpla focail on the other hand, is hugely important to Irish people. Evidently so, otherwise 1.62 million of them would not have so blatantly overestimated their proficiency at the language.
This will ultimately lead to Irish not being prioritised for Junior Cert, being taken off syllabus in some schools (as happened in England) and ultimately less emphasis on the language all around society.
Again, here we have more talk of Irish as a subject, this time as Junior Cert subject. Like Geography and Maths right? Wrong. Emphasis on the language in society? Well it’s currently compulsory and I don’t see too much emphasis on it “all around society”. Banks, unemployment, politicians, and our national ineptitude when it comes to dealing with winter, they are all endlessly emphasised; an Ghaeilge? Not so much…
We are calling for Fine Gael to change the way Irish is taught in schools instead of making it optional without any research or information to back this up suggesting it as a good idea.
That’s funny, because your email didn’t say that, nor did your petition. It just said that you wanted Fine Gael not to pursue it’s policy. It didn’t suggest that you were asking for a change in the way Irish is taught in schools. And guess what; Fine Gael is actually suggesting that the way that Irish is taught in schools would be changed – so that those who don’t want to learn it don’t have to. Now granted, it’s probably in everyone’s best interests to learn it, but unfortunately for your argument the job of government is not to force people to do what is in their best interests.
As regards Professor Little’s comments; we’ll obviously he’s going to say that. Jobs for the boys. He’s head of a highly paying Gaeilge think tank; his interest is in maintaining the status quo. He’s hardly going to turn around and say, “Bin it!”. Turkeys do not vote for Christmas.
This idea of an Ghaeilge being part of “Europe’s lingustic heritage” is clearly laughable. We are an country of four million people, on an remote island off the west coast of Europe. As of January 1, 2009, there were 499.8 million people living in the 27 EU states alone. To put that into perspective – that’s EU: 499,800,000; Ireland; 4,200,000; Lucht an Ghailge: 35,000 (generously). On a European context, an Ghaeilge is not linguistic heritage; it’s margin of error.
As regards the fates of na Cumann Gaelach, please see the opening line by Mairtain O’Siadhail. It was one of the most insightful things that I have ever heard. That “ciorcal comhrá” attitude too, is another thing responsible for the ill health of the teanga. People sitting around talking in Irish about talking in Irish. It’s unnatural, and any organisation which tries to do this is intrinsically doomed to failure. So what if a couple of cumanns go to the wall. It was always going to happen.
To use, perhaps, an unusual analogy for a moment. An Ghaeilge is a bit like the so-called “gay community”. One of the major criticisms leveled at gay bars is that whereas all of the people there are gay, that doesn’t mean that one necessarily has anything in common with those around them. Being gay is simply not enough of a common bond. Similarly speaking Irish is simply not enough of a common bond; that’s why Cumann Gaelachs don’t endure. However, in situations such as gay sports or social clubs (hiking, rugby, athletics, art, book clubs, whatever) the being gay thing is secondary, it’s a common thread but it’s not what’s holding the group together.
And that’s what we need to see in terms of the revival of the language. Sports clubs, art classes, cooking classes etc all being run through the medium of Irish. People aren’t going there for the Irish, they’re going there for the rugby, but the Irish just happens to be a common thread or, not the focus of the activity. An Ghaeilge is only the medium, and the medium should never be the focus of attention. By focussing on the medium, you don’t see the bigger picture.
I recommend that you take four minutes to watch David Mitchell’s opinions on Scot’s Gaelic. He brings some very concise points to the table. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvlQXPNwrqo
Finally, if you’re serious about the fate of an Ghaeilge, and you want to see a bi-lingual country where 1.66 million people can actually converse as Gaeilge on a daily basis, then you need to adjust your attitude. Sending out reactionary emails and petitions is not the way to go about it; it does more damage than good and only reinforces negative preconceptions.
Regards
MJB
“Ah no, no, I’ve got my Pilates tonight”
Johnston, Mooney and O’Brien have come up with a fantastic sequal to this ad:
It features the two boys actually eating their sandwiches:
Sinéad
Sinéad O’Connor isn’t looking the best these days; and let’s face it, she has more nuts than the average packet of KP. However, my God can she sing – and this song is breathtaking.
Once upon a time
They actually had to advertise text messages to Irish people. They would be the “next big thing” or so we were told, yet they never took off… At decade later and I touch-text, ask any of my friends; they have sore thumbs trying to keep up with me.
Fianna Fail. And no, there’s no á.
This is Fianna Fáil’s new logo, as designed by street artist Will St Ledger.
Well done Will! Erudite as ever.
N.B. Equally plausible interpretation of a back-stabbing De Valera…
Ireland returns to a feudal society
1. Collect B.Arch. 2. Collect dole cheque.
I am saddened to learn of the demise of Murray O’Laoire today. One of the state’s best architecture firms went to the wall today, with the loss of all 120 jobs.
Ireland on film. Or not.
This fantastic Specsavers ad was actually filmed in the Faroe Islands. The seanfhear in the geansaí, the sheepdog and Mo Ghile Mear soundtrack would all lead the viewer to think that it is Ireland, but it’s just a deception.
Saved by our woeful rail network
This poor chap went to a head shop and bought some Wild Cat bathsalts at €35 a gram. It was probably the most expensive bath he ever had. Silly billy ingested them instead of giving himself a good scrub and as a result he had a psychotic episode, ending up at railway line in the middle of the night waiting to throw himself under a train.